


Johnny Lawrence’s List Of Things That Are Least To Most Gay

by Damned_Writers



Category: Cobra Kai (Web Series), Karate Kid (Movies)
Genre: Bisexual Johnny Lawrence, Character Study, Childhood Trauma, Established Relationship, Internalized Homophobia, Introspection, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-11
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-18 05:29:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,373
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29978097
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Damned_Writers/pseuds/Damned_Writers
Summary: Not that Johnny consciously thinks about the list all the time, definitely hasn’t written anything out, because that’d be weird and he isn’t insecure, right, he’s just aware of these unspoken things and how his body reacts to the idea of them. Even the shit he can admit he really – at this point – wants to do.
Relationships: Daniel LaRusso/Johnny Lawrence
Comments: 34
Kudos: 116





	Johnny Lawrence’s List Of Things That Are Least To Most Gay

**Author's Note:**

> This is very much "Johnny's internalized shit" the fic, so be aware of that.

Not that Johnny consciously thinks about the list all the time, definitely hasn’t written anything out, because that’d be weird and he isn’t insecure, right, he’s just _aware_ of these unspoken things and how his body reacts to the idea of them. Even the shit he can admit he really – at this point – wants to do.

A note on getting a blowjob: not gay, even if it’s being done by someone you ~~love~~ like spending time with. (Giving a blowjob, see point 9). 

**1.** **Kissing**

Is it gay to kiss a man? Not technically, not all the time, and it’s also the thing he’s done the most. Kissed men while drunk, had guys grabbing his neck so he could kinda pretend it was a fight because of the violence of it – and there were the kisses on the cheek when you’d sparred against a friend and it was a good match, hands in each others’ hair, sweat rubbing off each other, closer in that moment than you felt with your own girlfriend.

The gay part of it was when you found yourself thinking about making out with some guy just because, and you weren’t even drunk. Gotta tamp down on that quickly, make him an enemy instead. If someone was pretty enough that you’d think about that, it meant he was the competition.

At this point though it’s basically okay, he’s kissed Daniel enough times that there isn’t even hesitation most of the time. Still easiest when he’s a couple of drinks down or just waking up, no defences, but he’s good at it at other times too – casual leaning over when Daniel’s making food, no longer shocked when Daniel gives him quick pecks while hurrying out to work or even just because. And he’s pretty fucking good at kisses-with-intent by now too. Hell, if you’re horny it’s actually easier and also very hot.

So yeah, right now it’s a little bit gay to kiss a man. But it isn’t _gay_ (unless, he supplies, it’s in public. See PDA, point 11 on non-existent list).

**2.** **Jerking each other off**

Basically just helping someone out, only difference between his and yours is the angle. He’d done it a couple of times before Daniel and it was a very economical way of getting your rocks off. _M_ _aybe_ kissing was allowed, but only because you’d never see him again and you were both high off of the feeling of another person’s hand rough on your dick – he knew a couple of boys had done it at the dojo, but he’d stayed out of it, because he couldn’t afford anything that could fuck things up for him.

An argument to be made it’s less gay than kissing actually, but after deliberating it’s gone slightly higher, because now he’s with Daniel it’s not _some guy,_ it’s very much Daniel and with him comes the possessive pronoun: _Daniel’s_ dick, _Daniel’s_ hand, _Daniel’s_ soft groans, _Daniel_ saying his name (very possessive, very hot). So that’s a bit gayer, because the fact that it’s Daniel makes him feel things. Not so economical any more, couldn’t be just anyone. Definitely is something he likes because he’s doing it with Daniel specifically.

Gay, but also not too gay, because it’s still technically just getting off, although specifically getting off with someone he’s been thinking about for over thirty years.

**3.** **Fucking**

(See point 6 for Getting Fucked) Yeah, he can do this like he’s been boning men for years. Never actually did it before Daniel, so beginning to reach undeniably gay activities to do with your boyfriend (he’s been practising _Boyfriend_ in his head, so next time he pulls himself together and says it, it’ll be casual as fuck and Daniel will be the one who’s surprised for once), but if he’s giving then that’s still manly enough that it doesn’t take anything for him to jump straight to it.

It’s kind of a shame they didn’t get an opportunity all those years ago, because nowadays they’ve gotta think about unsexy things, like not overdoing it with their backs or taking care of Daniel’s knee or not having the energy to go with the libido after a long day. Not that these are terrible things. Just means a lot of lazy fucking. And that one time he kissed Daniel’s knee and it turned from lazy fucking to a rare enthusiastically acrobatic fucking.

It’s still pretty awesome, even if it’s mainly in a bed. Couple of times in the dojo, which was that fantasy ticked off, once on Johnny’s floor – they’d both regretted that afterwards – and one time up against a wall, which was hot as fuck, but a lot of effort, when beds are comfortable and easier to navigate. Still wants to try in a shower, but he’s worried they’re going to fall and then someone’s gonna have to call the world’s most embarrassing ambulance. Maybe in a bath? A large bath.

Morning’s are great. Everything’s kinda hazy and tired, barely any thoughts in his head to make him wonder about why he’s waking up this close to a guy day after day (Cuddling, see point 7). Great way to wake up. Afternoons are awesome because they barely ever happen, so it means they’ve gotten to see each other and they’ve got enough time to fuck, even though it’s usually pretty quick. Also added sexiness factor in Daniel being up for that when he’s gotta head back into work after. Nights are usually great, but kinda terrifying. Daniel likes foreplay and Johnny’s not always as sure about that – not because he doesn’t want to make him feel good, but because it’s apparently for him as well. And he wants it too – defences down enough that a whole bunch of sappy shit might come out of his mouth, like how precious Daniel is to him (see point 4, Compliments/Pet Names).

He really likes that. It’s definitely gay. But he’s also on top, so it’s not a problem that it’s with a guy. It feels good - no need to overthink it.

**4.** **Compliments/** **Pet Names**

At this point you’re admitting emotions of some kind – even if you’re using a sarcastic tone of voice. But yeah, there were times in the past – you could call someone _sweetheart_ if you were mocking them or say someone looked good in the right setting.

These days Johnny notices some of the boys using _babe_ as if he and Daniel freezing in place the first time Johnny had said it to him casually (“can we make that lasagne thing today babe?”) was a ridiculous overreaction and not perfectly reasonable, considering the way their relationship has progressed along an uneven and complicated set of rules in which they both acknowledge they’ve been obsessed with each other for over half of their lives, but haven’t said I love you yet (see point 15). Kids these days. They’re alright. Scarily alright, despite their parents’ best attempts to fuck them up.

Johnny hasn’t been given actual pet-names since his mom – everything had always been an insult, a dig at not being enough of a man, and as for compliments… well, okay that depends, doesn’t it? _Good kick,_ isn’t gay. _Love seeing your_ _face_ _in the mornin_ _g,_ _looks beautiful_ _when you’ve just woken up_ _,_ when it’s Daniel saying it to him after a night in which they’d fucked and fallen asleep and woken up curled against each other (see point 7 for Cuddling) is something Johnny still struggles to respond to.

And he’s gotta think of things to say back – things he really _means_ and not only about his ass (but he does like complimenting his ass – not too gay, because it’s not feelings). Things like how his smile makes Johnny’s heart beat faster or how when he’s rambling about something it calms him down, or how he’s changed his life for the better… sappy shit he can think easily enough, but saying out loud when they’re not literally in the middle of having sex is a lot harder.

Things’re starting to get complicated, is what Johnny means.

**5.** **Being sick**

Yeah, walk it off. Definitely don’t admit that the chicken soup Daniel made for you was pretty fucking good and people being worried and checking in (pretty much a first) was also pretty good.

You don’t get sick when you’re badass. You show up for practise even if your arm got dislocated the day before or your eye is bruised. Definitely don’t complain just because you’ve got the sniffles.

That shit’s gay. Undeniably. But not so gay that he couldn’t handle it. Maybe he’ll even be semi-okay with it the next time. If there is a next time. Which there won’t be, because he doesn’t get sick.

**6.** **Getting fucked**

He would’ve thought this would be higher, because there’re rules, aren’t there? If you had sex with guys you were gay (duh), but if you were giving it, you were the manlier guy. The first time he’d known he was gonna get dicked down he watched porns in order to prepare himself and in every one of them that theory had been confirmed, so why was he even making himself go through with this?

Problem was, he’d maybe been thinking about it for a long time, long before Daniel was the other guy in the picture (sometimes with Daniel as the other guy in the picture even though they hadn’t spoken in years). That meant he probably wanted it right? How did that work, if he was meant to be the guy, but Daniel had definitely never been the girl, even if Johnny had fucked him eleven times by then. Still enough of a novelty that he’d been keeping count, because at what number would Daniel get embarrassed or tired of it or realize Johnny was a gateway into the wider world of men who were a lot more experienced than he was.

Confirmed they were both the guys then. And if Daniel fucked him eleven times they were even too. That seemed fair. At least he knew a little more about logistics because he’d been fucking Daniel and he knew that Daniel was blissed out and peaceful after, so it couldn’t be all bad to be on the bottom, even if the porns made everything seem a lot harder than when he and Daniel were at it. Should they be role-playing? That seemed like a lot of effort, but Johnny’d been smothered in baby-oil before, plus he had all his handyman gear, he could make that work.

Anyway it wasn’t bad. It was… yeah it wasn’t bad. And they’ve done it a lot since, so it’s _not bad_ enough that he… well he really does like it. And because of sportsmanship he let Daniel fuck him in the dojo as well and it was after a badass sparring session. Sometimes losing is totally worth it. He’s been getting the counts of how many times they’ve done it both ways mixed up, so he figures they’re about even.

The thing is in the moment Johnny always clearly loves it (and Daniel has noticed as well and is thrilled), but then afterwards there’s a lot to think about isn’t there? Especially if said getting fucked is combined with Cuddling or Compliments or Daniel wanting to Talk (see points 7, 4 and 10). It’s a lot to navigate.

But technically getting fucked is fucking awesome. And he can take it like a champ. Top marks go to Lawrence.

**7.** **Cuddling**

From here on out, things’re getting murky. There’s a lot of different flavors to cuddling:

  * There’s post-coitus cuddling, can be difficult if the other person is feeling emotional, but if you’re kinda dazed from the high of it and sleepy you can let it go, because Daniel feels nice when they’re both coming down together.
  * Then “happy to see you” cuddles. Johnny’s always been more of a one-armed shoulder slap/hug combo guy, but that doesn’t really cut it in a long-term relationship apparently. And anyway, Daniel likes it (Johnny also likes it).
  * Getting more challenging, there’s evenings-watching-TV cuddling, especially if the kids or Amanda are there. Acknowledgement that this is _a thing that is happening, between the two of them, they’re Together, yeah everyone knows,_ _but do they_ know? Is Rambo still manly if you’ve got another man practically draped over your lap while you’re watching it? Makes you look at Stallone differently (well, not too differently, he was always kinda nice to look at).
  * And then public cuddling. Like cuddling in front of people you know, but much much worse (see PDA point 11).



Can’t disguise cuddling as anything but what it is. And every time it happens – regardless of the circumstances – he feels like his whole body is on fire, nerve-endings fried.

Gayer than the cuddling itself is admitting that he’s hoping for it every damn second of the day it’s not happening. Whatever Daniel’s done to him, it’s making him fucking weak, but maybe there’s something he likes about that. Don’t think about it too much.

Take your cuddles like a man.

**8.** **Getting eaten out**

To be clear, he hasn’t actually reciprocated on that one yet, so he can’t say where its companion-activity falls (see point 12), but that’s because this one is already so high up the damn list, he can’t even think about it too much – so to keep it short and sweet: He knows he loves it in the moment, he’d never realized before that someone could do that to you and it’d be that good, he accidentally caused an argument and walked out on Daniel once when he’d brought it up outside the bedroom.

He’s working on that. He’s really really working on it. And damn when he lets it happen if it isn't... it’s… it’s very good. Yeah. 

**9.** **Sucking dick**

He’d imagined getting fucked would be much more complicated, but the thing is, once you get used to it, it’s just letting your instincts take you. This requires technique. Sure, after awhile you might graduate to expert dick-sucker, but he’s not there yet, which means he has to keep doing it, and while he’s doing it he’s aware of all of the below:

Pros:

  * Obviously the man whose dick is being sucked in question.
  * Daniel makes very pretty noises when he’s getting a blowjob.
  * Daniel also sometimes threads his hand in Johnny’s hair, but that’s a feeling he hasn’t gotten to analyze yet. Being into guys is _hard._ So much to think about. Or maybe he just hadn’t thought that girls pulling his hair would also be pretty good. He really needs more data to compare.
  * Daniel looks at him afterwards like he’s a fucking god. He won’t ever get used to that look.



Cons:

  * It’s impossible to not think about the dick. Maybe others can, but he’s still thinking so hard about how to make it good that he’s also forced to be incredibly aware of what he’s actually doing. Which doesn’t even feel bad, but definitely, cannot be denied, is a dick in his mouth.
  * Still a novice. Seriously, how many times does he have to do this before he’s got Going Down down? When Daniel does it he makes it seem so fucking easy. Johnny feels like he needs to apologize to every girl who’s ever done this for him, it’s so much _work._
  * If he lets his mind drift he imagines what certain people from his past would say if they found him like this. Doesn’t help. Stupid brain.



**10.** **Talking About Feelings In General**

It’s a companion to – but not quite the same as – Talking About The Past Specifically (point 13) and Saying _I Love You_ (point 15). This one’s marginally easier, depending on the feeling and the time.

To be clear, he doesn’t think he’s told anyone how he was feeling since… around 2000? Not the really deep emotions. He’s not even _sure_ how he’s feeling a lot of the time, how’s he supposed to explain it to anyone else? And that had been mom, yeah, yeah, he’s a poster boy for everything wrong with masculinity, he’s heard how the kids these days use words like _toxic_ and _patriarchy_ (and he’s got a vague niggling he’s heard that word before and it didn’t go down well) and he’s – well, he’s not doing dedicated research, but sometimes he wants to know what the hell is going on inside their brains, so he can be a proper mentor figure and while most of the awesome things he has to impart are still from the eighties (culturally), this generation might have some good ideas on… things.

He’s mainly convinced that most of them are making their problems more complicated for themselves than they need to be, but what kid didn’t? Anyway, turns out he can listen to a girl crying about her girlfriend at school or calm down a kid who’s frustrated they can’t get the move right, or figure out if something’s going on at home for someone – he can do all of that. That’s the good sensei shit (and good practise for when Robby forgives him, because he _will_ one day).

Daniel asking what they are exactly or how things’re going or if he’s feeling upset – that’s the gay shit.

So far Johnny has used the word boyfriend in two and a half situations. First time was ironically when they were arguing about his inability to tell Daniel how he was feeling (“so why do I even bother?” “because you’re my boyfriend!”), second time the following morning – testing it out in bed (and they weren’t even having sex, he’s that fucking romantic), the half time out in public to some couple Daniel knew, but he’d chickened out and turned it into a stuttered _friend_ and since then he’s been too embarrassed to try again.

Which means Daniel wants to talk with him about feelings – about what it means to him to think of Johnny as his partner, how he knows this can be a struggle for him, that it’s okay to admit when things are hard, but he’s wrong about that. It is never, ever okay to admit weakness. Not if he’s gonna get through all of this without breaking down completely. Let in one emotion and you let in all the others.

Nothing he can’t handle and he won’t admit otherwise.

**11.** **PDA**

This is a big one – he’s become hyper-aware of how he and Daniel touch each other in public, how others might read that. Daniel’s a tactile person, used to easy brushes and supportive shoulder claps and resting a hand on a knee and that was _before_ they were together. He’s just like that. Johnny doesn’t get touched like that often and now he’s surrounded by people like Carmen and Amanda and Daniel, which is bad enough, but when it’s somewhere anyone could see?

He didn’t struggle as much before this thing with Daniel (his boyfriend) but now he’s thinking about it all the time – what’s that stranger gonna think about him, was that an old highschool friend? Are they gonna put it on the internet where apparently nothing ever goes away? Who the fuck thought the internet was a good thing?

He’s with a man, he regularly has sex with and kisses this man, but he’s not _gay._ The lingo is apparently bisexual (according to the internet), but he’s not that big of a fan of that one either. Why does it have to matter? Why does anyone need to know what he’s doing in his or anyone’s bedroom? Why’s he gotta label that or make a statement or show it to anyone? Why does Daniel want to do these things where other people can see them, when that opens up the door to all kinds of shit. What if Kreese or Silver find out?

Anyway he doesn’t want people to look at him and thinking that. None of their fucking business.

**12.** **Eating out**

He’ll do it. Eventually. For now he’s putting it waaaay up here, but he also isn’t backing down from a fucking challenge! It can’t be that different from going down on a chick right? Doesn’t want Daniel to be better than him at anything, plus he thinks if he does this it’ll probably balance out some of that other shit – distract Daniel with sex-stuff, then he won’t ask if he wants to come see Miyagi’s grave with him again (see point 13, Talking About The Past) or look hurt when Johnny doesn’t hold his hand out on the street.

**13.** **Talking About The Past Specifically**

Johnny’s already apologized for the past, so it’s not like he doesn’t admit it happened. It’s just done. In the past. That’s kinda the definition of it, why go back to it and dredge it up again? It’s not even shit about Johnny and Daniel, it’s other stuff – Daniel asking about his mom or sometimes talking casually about Miyagi and bringing up that he’s gonna go see him.

Once he’d asked Johnny if he wanted to come, that Miyagi’d be happy about it, but Johnny’d brushed him off. It wasn’t even an argument, but Johnny knew he’d disappointed him. So many fucking minefields to this relationship. Stupid boyfriend with his stupid expectations.

Thing is he actually does want Daniel to talk. There’s some shit buried there that he’s been too afraid to let out, so he and Amanda are tag-teaming him to find out what it is. She almost convinced him to go to therapy, but he said only if Johnny did too and Johnny vetoed on that, meaning no therapy for either of them.

They don’t need that weird new generation shit anyway, they just need to figure out what the hell Silver did so Johnny and Amanda can go beat his ass and reassure Daniel it’ll never happen again. Simple. That’s Daniel’s shit, Johnny’s already dealt with his own – no more Sid (until the day he gets to go use his grave as a free toilet), everyone knows about Kreese, everything else was on him and he’s making steps to do better. Shannon’s coming out of rehab and Laura’s dead and Robby’s not the past anyway, so he’s allowed to think about how to make amends. Active brainstorming. Getting himself back together so he can support him. That’s not feelings, that’s action.

There’s nothing to talk about and there’s no need to get sappy about it. Just because he’s dating a guy doesn’t mean he’s gotta get emotional about sad shit, no girlfriend he ever had expected that of him. Speaking of…

**14** **Crying**

Who thought crying was an expectation, just because you had a complicated upbringing? Didn’t everyone? Crying about shit never helped anyone in the moment, so what’s crying about it now gonna change?

But there’s a concerned look in Daniel’s eyes when Johnny mentions stuff – _Kreese used to pair me up against these bigger guys and they’d beat the shit outta me so I could learn to take a hit, haha –_ or jokes about some shit he’d done while he was drunk that got him locked up and covered in vomit (and it was _funny okay?_ ), and that look pisses him off.

Stop being so concerned man. And besides, Daniel barely cries either and the couple of times Johnny’s seen it he’s done his best to cover it up, so pot calling kettle, that’s the saying right? None of them cry, so what? Pretty much every one of their kids has cried at some point, either from pain or fear or sadness or even when happy (which is disconcerting, what do you do with a teenager crying from happiness? Pat them on the back?), but that’s a generation thing again. He’s not gonna blame them for it, it’s just not how they did things back in their day. If it’s helpful, good for them he guesses, but he doesn’t need it.

He’s not gonna do that shit now just because he’s gay or bisexual or whatever. Doesn’t change who he is and doesn’t change things. It’s just weakness.

**15.** **Saying** _**I Love You:** _

He could do it. He could do it at any moment. Nothing fucking stopping him. Three words and they’re only a syllable each. He could fucking do it right now if he wanted to. You're my boyfriend and I love you.

_I Love You_ despite beating you up in a parking lot behind your apartment when we were in high-school.

 _I Love You_ even though I’ve hated you for most of my life (and that wasn’t fair, just a lot of mixed up feelings about things that weren’t your fault, but you were always easier to blame because you weren’t there – until suddenly you were and hating you got complicated).

 _I Love You_ and that’s a pretty intense statement to make, because now we both know if you ever leave it’s gonna wreck me.

 _I Love You_ meaning I’m making myself weak on purpose and there’s so much of our past tangled into giving you that power, but hey, I love you anyway.

 _I Love You_ and I’m a man and you’re a man and there’s a lot of things I can’t do because I’m a man and you’re a man, but saying that isn’t one of those things. There might be things I’ll never be able to do, but I still love you.

 _I Love You_ and you know more about me than anyone and you haven’t run away, so that means you love me too, right?

 _I Love You_ and maybe this won’t go to hell. Maybe I can trust you. Maybe I can trust myself not to fuck it up.

He hasn’t said it yet. But neither has Daniel so for the moment they’re stalemate, facing each other across the mat. Johnny’s not sure if he’ll end up striking first on this one. He’s not sure if Daniel’s even thinking about saying it to him. Seems like there’s very little mercy in _I Love You_ , whether you’re saying it or hearing it.

_I Love You_ and I trust you not to hurt me.

What kind of man says that to another man?


End file.
